Quotes
Gunn causing a distraction
at Wolfram and Hart:
Whoo-hoo. My God. They told me it was true but I didn't believe them. Damn, here it
is. Evil white folks really do have a Mecca. Now, now, girls, don't get all riled up. Did
you just step on my foot? Is that my foot you just stepped on? Are you assaulting me, in
this haven of justice? Somebody get me a lawyer, because my civil rights have seriously
been violated. Oh, I get it. You all can cater to the demon, cater to the dead man, but
what about the black man.
Cordelia: What just happened?
Can someone explain to me what just happened here?
Wesley: I believe we were fired.
Gunn: Canned.
Wesley: Let go.
Gunn: Axed.
Wesley: Shown the door.
Gunn: Booted.
Cordelia: All right! I get it. But what just happened?
Gunn: You got a thesaurus in there?
Cordelia: Darla. It's all about Darla. One thing you can say about Angel, at
least he's consistent - it's always some little blonde driving him over the edge.
Gunn: I don't know - if I had to listen to you two, day in, day out - snipe
snipe snipe, bitch bitch bitch... I figure ya'll got off easy. I woulda killed you.
Cordelia: Oh, that's rich, coming from Mr.
I-Don't-Take-Orders-Now-Where-Can-I-Stick-My-Axe.
Gunn: What's that supposed to mean?
Wesley: Well, Gunn, you've never been very supportive of Angel's leadership
role. I seem to recall a certain shroud...
Gunn: Was one of his directives "Hire pansy ass British guy?"
Wesley: My ass is not pansy!
Cordelia: Earth to retards - you have an obsession, you pretty much squeeze
it into your schedule no matter what.
Wesley: A ha! So you admit it's an obsession?
Cordelia: No! I mean, yes, but - no!
Wesley: Hypocrite!
Cordelia: Ass pansy!
Xander:
"I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away."
Xander: Where is he??
Where's the creep that turned me into his spider-eating man-bitch?
Buffy: He's gone.
Xander: Dammit! You know what? I'm sick of this crap. I'm sick of being the
guy who eats insects and gets the funny syphilis. As of this moment, it's over. I'm
finished being everybody's butt-monkey!
Buffy: Check. No more butt-monkey.
Xander: I'm 17. Looking at linoleum makes me want to have sex.
Faith: It's not cynical.
I mean, it's realistic. Every guy from... Manimal down to Mr. I-Love-The-English-Patient
has beast in him. And I don't care how sensitive they act. They're all still just in it
for the chase.
Giles: Maybe. Maybe not. In my experience, there are... two types of monster.
The first, uh, can be redeemed, or more importantly, wants to be redeemed.
UGLY VAMP: When I kill her, it'll be the greatest event since the
crucifixion. And I should know. I was there.
SPIKE: You were there? Oh please. If every vampire who said he was at the
crucifixion was actually there, it would have been like Woodstock!
UGLY VAMP: I ought to rip your throat out.
SPIKE: Would it kill ya', little mouthwash every couple hundred years? I was
actually at Woodstock. That was a weird gig. Fed off a flower person and spent six hours
watching my hands move.
BUFFY: Do we really need weapons for this?
SPIKE: I just like 'em. Make me feel all manly.
SPIKE: I'm really glad I came here, you know? I've been all wrongheaded about
this. Weeping, crawling, blaming everybody else. I want Dru back, I've just gotta be the
man I was, the man she loved. I'm gonna do what I shoulda done in the first place: I'll
find her, wherever she is, tie her up, torture her until she likes me again.
HARMONY: You love that tunnel more than me.
SPIKE: I love syphilis more than you.
SPIKE: I don't understand. This sort of thing's never happened to me before.
WILLOW: Maybe you were nervous.
SPIKE: I felt all right when I started. Let's try again.
SPIKE: Damn it!
WILLOW: Maybe you're trying too hard. Doesn't this happen to every vampire?
SPIKE: Not to me, it doesn't!
WILLOW: It's me, isn't it?
SPIKE: What are you talking about?
WILLOW: Well, you came looking for Buffy, then settled. You didn't want to
bite me, I just happened to be around.
SPIKE: Piffle.
WILLOW: I know I'm not the kind of girl vamps like to sink their teeth into.
It's always like, 'Oh, you're like a sister to me,' or, 'Oh, you're such a good friend.'
SPIKE: Don't be ridiculous. I'd bite you in a heartbeat.
WILLOW: Really?
SPIKE: Thought about it.
WILLOW: When?
SPIKE: Remember last year? You had on that fuzzy pink number with the lilac
underneath.
WILLOW: I never would have guessed. You played the bloodlust kinda cool.
SPIKE: Mmmm. I hate being obvious. Being all fangy and 'Rrrr.' Takes the
mystery out.
WILLOW: But if you could...
SPIKE: If I could, yeah.
WILLOW: You know, this doesn't make you any less terrifying.
SPIKE: Don't patronize me! I'm only a hundred and twenty-six!
WILLOW: You're being too hard on yourself. Why don't we wait a half an hour
and try again?
BUFFY: How about a daytime ceremony in the park?
SPIKE: Fabulous. Enjoy your honeymoon with the big pile of dust.
BUFFY: Under the trees. Indirect sunlight only.
SPIKE: A warm spring breeze tosses the leaves aside and, again, you're
registering as Mr. And Mrs. Big Pile of Dust.
XANDER: That's my radio!
SPIKE: And you're what, shocked and disappointed? I'm evil.
SPIKE: Wipe your feet when you enter a person's home.
GILES: Yes, careless of me. Tracking mud all over your mud.
SPIKE: I'll admit... bit of a fixer-upper. Needs a woman's touch. Care to
have a crack at it?
HARMONY: I'm not going to make the same mistakes you did. I'm doing my
homework. Reading books and stuff.
SPIKE: What, Evil for Dummies?
DAWN: Sorry, it's just ... come on. I'm badder than you.
SPIKE: Are not!
DAWN: Am too. You're standing in the bushes hugging a bent box of chocolates,
and I'm-
SPIKE: What? Sneaking out to braid hair and watch Teletubbies with your
mates?
SPIKE: Found Ben's room at Glory's. Didn't learn much.
XANDER: Wait - Ben? At Glory's? So you're saying that all this time he was
sub-letting from her?
SPIKE: This - is gonna be worth it.
Spike smacks Xander in the head.
SPIKE: Ow!
XANDER: Ow!
They both rub their heads as they exit the hospital.
SPIKE: Last time, from the top ...
Spike Looking down at the scene unfolding in the Alley:
''(high voice) How can I thank you, you mysterious, black-clad hunk of a night thing?
(low voice) No need, little lady, your tears of gratitude are enough for me. You see, I
was once a badass vampire, but love and a pesky curse defanged me. Now I'm just a big,
fluffy puppy with bad teeth. No, not the hair! Never the hair! (high voice) But there must
be someway I can show my appreciation. (low voice) No, helping those in need's my job, and
working up a load of sexual tension, and prancing away like a magnificent poof is truly
thanks enough! (high voice) I understand. I have a nephew who is gay, so (low voice) Say
no more. Evil's still afoot and I'm almost out of that Nancy-boy hair-gel that I like so
much. Quickly, to the Angelmobile, away!''
Spike: Oh, listen to Mary Poppins. He's got his crust all stiff and upper
with that nancy-boy accent. You Englishmen are always so... Bloody hell! Sodding, blimey,
shagging, knickers, bollocks, oh God! I'm English!
Giles: Welcome to the nancy tribe.
Spike: 'Made with care for Randy.' Randy Giles? Why not just call me 'Horny
Giles,' or 'Desperate for a Shag Giles'? I knew there was a reason I hated you!
Spike: Oooh. Poor watcher. Did your life pass before your eyes? "Cuppa
tea, cuppa tea, almost got shagged, cuppa tea..."
BUFFY: But ... when I kissed you ... you know I was thinking about Giles,
right?
SPIKE: You know, I always wondered about you two.
BUFFY: What? Oh, gross, Spike! He left. I was depressed. Ergo vulnerability
and, and bad kissing decisions. Okay, but, that's all that it was. You have to let it go.
SPIKE: Did it work?
BUFFY: What?
SPIKE: You convince yourself?
SPIKE: Examine my chip, or else Mister... (looks at the label on the stand)
...Fett here is the first to die.
SPIKE:Yeah, and you chose to
be in a consumer service profession. I'm a consumer.
Service me.
Spike (shouting):
Aaaarrrggghh! Gaaagggghhhhhh! What the bleeding hell is wrong with you bloody women? What
the hell does it take? Why do you bitches torture me?
Buffy: Which question do you want me to answer first?
Buffy: These vamps have
been here for a while. They've nested.
Spike: So, you're saying they're a couple of poofters?
Buffy: We missed the bed
again.
Spike: Lucky for the bed.
Buffy: Is this a new rug.
Spike: Um, no. Just looks different when you're under it.
Spike: You want to slip
away for a minute, love?
Buffy: What?
Spike: I'll let you blow out my candles.
Spike: Must be some
late-night activities to keep us busy till morning.
Tara: How's that cramp, Spike? Still bothering you?
Spike: What? Oh, yeah.
Tara: Maybe you want to put some ice on it.
Spike: Right. Let's not
listen to Spike. Might get a bit of truth on you.
Willow: Okay, okay. Calm now. Let's turn around and release this very
manly thing the other
Spike: I hope you don't
think this antidote's gonna rid you of that nasty martyrdom. See, I figured it out, love.
You can't help yourself. You're not drawn to the dark like I thought. You're addicted to
the misery.
Buffybot:Angel's lame.
His hair grows straight up, and he's bloody stupid.
Dawn:And then whoosh!
All of a sudden Glory's standing right there in front of us, all skanky and blonde and
thinking she's all bad just 'cuz some bumpy heads kiss her stinky feet -- she does have
nice feet -- and she's coming right at us and Buffy's just standing there, not even
blinking, like "Bring it on!" and wham! Hell-Bitch in orbit.
Xander: Go Buff!
Giles:I knew you'd best Glory eventually, I mean all our years of
training…
Buffy:A truck hit her.
Giles:Oh.
Andrew:You saw her
(Willow), she's a truck driving magic momma and we've got maybe seconds before Darth
Rosenberg grinds everybody into Jawa burgers and not one of you bunch has the mediclorines
to stop her.
Andrew:Warren's the
boss, he's Picard, you're Diana Troi, get used to the feeling Betazoid.
Angel:My parents were
great. Tasted a lot like chicken.
Willow:Is there anything
you don't know everything about?
Giles:Synchronized swimming. Complete mystery to me.
Book:I think we've got
'em on the run now!
Mal:Our cunning strategy of getting our asses plainly whooped must be starting to
confound 'em
Harken:Every inch of this junker
gets tossed.
Kaylee: Junker?!
Mal: Settle down, Kaylee.
Kaylee: But, Cap'n! You hear what that purple belly called Serenity?
Inara:Well, yes. So,
explain to me again why Zoe wasn't in the dress?
Mal:Tactics, woman. Needed her in the back. 'Sides, those soft cotton dresses feel
kinda nice. It's the whole... air-flow.
Inara:And you'd know that because...?
Mal:You can't open the book of my life and jump in the middle. Like woman, I'm a
mystery.
Inara:Let's keep it that way. I withdraw the question.
Mal:Zoe, why do I have
a wife?
Jayne:You got a wife? All I got is that dumbass stick sounds like its raining. How
come you got a wife?
Mal:I appreciate that. She's a nice
girl.
Book:Seems very anxious to please you.
Mal:Well, that's their way, I guess.
Book: I suppose so.If you take sexual advantage of her, you're going to burn in a
very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk
at the theater.
Mal:What -- I am not... preacher, you got a smutty mind
Mal:[Chinese] You
offering me a trade?!
Jayne: A trade?! Hell, it's theft. It's the best damn gun made by man. It has
extreme sentimental value. It's miles more worthy than what you got.
Mal:What I got? She has a name.
Jayne:So does this. I call it Vera.
Mal:Well my days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle.
Jayne:Well, damnit Mal, I'd treat her okay.
Mal:She's not to be bought, nor bartered, or borrowed, or lent. She's a human woman
doesn't know a damn thing about the world and needs our protection.
Jayne:Well I'll protect her!
Mal:Jayne! Go play with your rain stick.
Kaylee:Come on, admit it, it's
true.
Simon:No, I won't, because it's not. I use swear words like anybody else.
Kaylee:Oh, really? See, I never heard you. So when is it you do all of this
cussin'? After I go to bed, or...
Simon:I swear when it's appropriate.
Kaylee:Simon, the whole point of swearing is that it ain't appropriate
Mal:Which one you figure tracked us?
Zoe:The ugly one, sir.
Mal:Could you be more specific?
Zoe:Too much foofaraw. If I'm going
to wear a dress, I'd want something with some slink.
Wash:You want a slinky dress? I can buy you a slinky dress. Captain, can I have
money for a slinky dress?
Jayne:I'll chip in.
Zoe:(to Jayne)I can hurt you.
Mal: Hey. Stay with me, Shepherd.
Book: That's... that's quite a lot of blood, isn't it?
Mal: Just means you ain't dead.
Book:Afraid I might be needing a preacher.
Mal: That's good. You lie there and be ironical.
Kaylee: Zoe, how come you always
cut your apples?
Wash: You do?
Kaylee Her and the Captain both. Whenever we get fresh fruit, they never just munch
on 'em.
Zoe: Know what a Grizwald is?
Jayne: It's a grenade.
Zoe: About the size of a battery. Responds to pressure. Our platoon was stuck in a
trench outside of New Kasmir during the winter campaign. More'n a week, completely cut
off, and the Alliance entrenched not ten yards away. We even got to talkin' to 'em,
yelling across insults and jokes and such, 'cause no ammo to speak of, no orders, so what
are you gonna do? We mentioned that we were out of rations, and ten minutes later, a bunch
of apples rained into the trench.
Wash: And they grew into a big tree, and they all climbed up the tree into a
magical land with unicorns and a harp.
Wash: But you've got some theories.
Mal: Still working it through.
Wash: I don't want you to spare me, Mal. If you think you know what's happening,
then you tell me. You wouldn't spare Zoe if she were in this situation with you, would
you? You would be planning, and plotting and... possibly scheming. So whatever Zoe would
do in this instance is what I wanna do. Do you know why? No matter how ugly it gets, you
two always come back with the stories. So... I'm Zoe. Now, what do I do?
Mal: Probably not talk quite so much.
Wash: Right. Less talking. She's terse. I can be terse. Once in flight school, I
was laconic
Mal: Look, Zoe and I have a history.
She trusts me.
Wash: What's that supposed to mean?
Mal: Don't mean a thing, but you're making out like she blindly follows my every
word. That ain't true!
Wash: Sure it is!
Mal: Not so. There's plenty orders of mine that she didn't obey.
Wash: Name one!
Mal: She married you!
Mal: Did you tell her?
Wash: Tell her what?
Mal: (to Zoe)Your husband has demanded that we sleep together.
Zoe: Really?
Wash: What? Mal, come on.
Mal: He seems to think it would get all this burning sexual tension out in the open
-- you know, make a fair fight for your womanly affections.
Wash: No. That was the torture talking. Remember? The torture?
Mal: I know it's a difficult mission... but you and I... have to get it on.
Zoe: I understand. We have no choice.
Zoe: (emotionless) Take me, sir. Take me hard.
Jayne: Now somethin' about that is just downright unsettling.
Mal: Some of us have grown attached
to River. Kaylee, I know you have or you would've spoken up sooner. Which, by the by, you
should have. I find River pleasant enough myself. But she does have an oddness to her. And
I ain't just talking about her proficiency with firearms. Girl knows things. Things she
shouldn't. Things she couldn't.
Jayne: Wha -- are you-are you sayin' she's a witch?
Wash: Yes, Jayne. She's a witch. She has had congress with the beast.
Jayne: She's in Congress?
Wash: How did your brain even learn human speech? I'm just so curious.
Jayne:Whoa, back up a second. Are
you saying she really reads minds?
Mal: Or near enough. Am I alone thinking along these lines?
Book: No.
Jayne: Well... I don't like the idea of someone hearin' what I'm thinkin'.
Inara: No one likes the idea of hearing what you're thinking.
